I think the reason I’m feeling so uncertain is because i just got out of a relationship. And i’m scared of jumping into one again. i was afraid that this is just a purely physical attraction but after today…i don’t think so. The thought of getting physical just puts me off so how can this be a physical attraction? Maybe I’m just interested because he’s interested in me and i’m bored. That sounds so horrible, there’s no way that that’s true. The only explanation that seems to make sense is the first one. I really like him, i do! But even after 4 months, i don’t think that i’ve completely moved on. i haven’t gotten over those experiences and thats holding me back from creating more beautiful memories now, in the present.

Can’t say anything without getting a snarky comment in return.

help/

i realized that im complaining and whining alot about my failed/failing relationship.

but i dont regret it.

i learnt so many things about myself and about the world in general. i think its one of the best things that’s happened to me but like all things, it has come to its end.

the attraction is just plain gone. at least, for me it is. we’re just best friends now. best friends who hug and kiss each other on the cheeks. that’s it. i saw it coming ages ago and i tried to breakaway. but he wouldn’t let me and he wont either. so now we’re just stuck in the middle. I’m not happy and i suspect that he isn’t either but he just wants to live in denial so i cant do anything about that.  could leave but the last time i did…I’m too scared to try that again.

maybe after As everything will work out. he’s booking in on feb 1st so between me going India and moving and him going India as well, we’ll see each other for like 2weeks from the end of As till he books in. maybe we’ll naturally just drift (further) apart and he’ll realize that we should just stick to being friends again. we’ll never go back to just friends because we’ve been through too much, physically and emotionally but anythings better that the limbo we’re suck in now right?

i mean, when meeting up or giving him just a friendly kiss starts feeling like an obligation, its a sign that its time to move on. right?

after As. whatever it is, after As. 4more weeks till i end, 5more till he ends. we’ll see then. fingers crossed.

i think he’s sucking my intelligence out, if that’s even possible.

i feel so stupid lately, like intellectually unstimulated. dumb. bimbo.my brain is rotting away from lack of use. i have to act so dumb so i dont end up looking superior or a braggart or just plain arrogant.

it doesn’t really make sense to blame your lack of intelligence on another person but i’m going to do that anyway because i am convinced that that’s whats happening to me. if you compare the present Me with the Old Me (early last year), you’ll see the difference. I’ve always been happy go lucky and a bit bimbotic and all happy and forever laughing but this year,its just unbelievable. the stuff that comes out of my mouth sometimes…

and the stuff that I’ve just stopped thinking about. it’s like a part of my brain has just shut down. it’s like I’m seeing with only one eye. narrow perspectives, myopic train of thought. its disgusting,frankly. I’ve always been proud of the fact that im intelligent. not genius-smart but still more than average. if i actually use my brain (which i do occasionally if i feel like it) then i can come up with ideas that are just WOW.

now? i feel like some bimbo queen. or one of those girls I’ve always pitied because no matter how hard they work,they dont get the results because they’re just not born smart. I’m turning into them.

and that’s my worse nightmare coming to life.

I don’t treat him right but does he treat me right?

Loneliness.

And now I think he’s (Nilesh) angry with me as well :’(

At 11.30pm, my bf didn’t reply to my text. At 4am, I was up on the phone with Nilesh. It’s 5.18am now and I’m texting Nilesh.

Still no sign of the bf.